UIP

Three little letters, similar to DUI, but a victimless crime unless you're a parking lot. I admit guilt. I am the wrongdoer, along with dozens of other nightly cohorts. I peed. I peed in the alleyway. The alley already smelled like pee and the fresh stains showed that I was not nearly the first that night.

According to the officer, I was the 4th person he had busted in 20 minutes. I was a bit drunk to recall that it's not illegal to have no identification on you. My alias, Bernard Henson, Bernie. Here's my gripe though. If I'm the 4th person (TO BE CAUGHT) in 20 minutes... doesn't that say something about the central issue? "Why don't you just put up some public restrooms?" I asked the person in administration over the phone. "We did, but they got vandalized," she said. So I guess the SLO City Council would rather have dozens of urinals in their alley and parking lots than a broken toilet seat, or a dirty limerick.

The crushing aspect of it all is that to pee in public in SLO costs an individual $350. That's a pricey fine for something that most people have to do several times a day, exponentially more if they've been drinking. Basically, SLO can go fuck themselves. Urinating in public is my right as a human being and the only thing that a $350 fine does for me, is tell me that at that rate, I might as well have pissed on the cop too. I'll still piss in your fucking city. In fact, I'll make it my mission every time I drive through, but now I'll just be faster and stealthier about it.